Judge Ramell is one of the judges for Madison County, Idaho. When asked about divorce within Madison County, one of the most frequent reasons given is the above statement - they just didn't think it would be as fun. When I first heard this, I was a little shocked. Didn't everybody know that marriage isn't easy? But it got me to thinking - why do I want to get married?
Well...let's figure this out:
I want, more than anything, to have MY chance at a forever family.
In a BYU-Idaho devotional, I believe last semester, there was an amazing talk given by a woman who I can't remember her name (great reference, right?). But one thing she said really stood out to me - "You have two chances at a successful family. The one you grew up in and the one you're going to create." I had never thought about marriage and family that way before but I know I never want to take for granted a second chance.
I would like to tell you a little story:
"I went through a series of relationships, finally got married, and within a few years was divorced. I thought I would never find "Mr. Right." So I decided to get my college degree. When I took a social psychology class and studied symbolic interactionism, I had a revelation: I divorced my husband because he was a man!
I know that sounds silly. What I mean is, I learned that our behavior reflects the gender roles that we learn in our society. I thought my ex-husband was just a bad catch. Now I realize that he was only acting like most men who learn the traditional male role in our society. I know now that I could have accepted this and that we could have worked together to iron out the things that were vexing me.
It's just too bad I didn't take the course before I got married" (Robert and Jeanette Lauer, Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, p. 22). True story.
Not gonna lie, I may have looked like a dying seal when I read this for the first time (really attractive laugh, right?). But let's get real here: how often do we enter a relationship where something like this happens? We all make stupid mistakes when it comes to dating - but do we really want to make those same mistakes when we're married? I know I don't. And how do we avoid that? Three things: EDUCATE YOURSELF, MAKE A LIST, AND COMMUNICATE! Here's just a couple of ways.
Educate Yourself:
1. Learn what makes a successful marriage.
2. Ask around - family member's, friend's, etc.
3. Pray about it.
Make a List:
1. Make a list of what type of wife and mother you want to be.
2. Make a list of what qualities you would like you husband to be.
3. Compare those lists and see which qualities do or do not overlap. For example, if you would like your husband or wife to be patient, well then you better be patient as well. If you're not, work on those qualities.
Communicate:
1. When you get into a serious relationship, talk to your significant other about important issues in marriage. How are you going to respond in certain situations?
"It's not fun like I thought it would be."
It may not be fun all the time, but it's definitely worth it.
I suppose I should ask you a question or two...
1. Why do you want to be married? Or, if it applies to you, why did you get married?
2. What can you do to prepare yourself for marriage?
3. What are some ways to avoid over thinking in a relationship or marriage?
Avec Amour,
Elisse
Marriage is a big step and I havent had the opportunity yet to face it but the main reason that I want to be married someday is the example of my parents. They have a love that is inseparable. Yes they arent perfect but if I could love my wife with the amount of love they have first to the lord and then to themselves I would be the happiest person on earth. The best ways I am preparing for marriage is by attending the temple and keeping the desire to have a family the way my family was brought up. The example of my own family pushes me to remember the promises and blessings of what kind of family I want to have. I wish I could give a good answer to the last question but I think I am still trying to solve that problem.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your response! I love that you brought up your parents and going to the temple! Definitely great things to emulate!
DeleteOk so i want to get married for all the same reasons any LDS person wants to get married. Celestial Kingdom and all that. But i really want someone i love to serve. We all know service can be a drag most of the time. We aren't Jesus so it is okay for it to actually suck and have that thought. So i really want to be with someone i love doing things for. I love to cook, and it isn't because i am fat, it is because i love seeing people eat my food and be happy. For a whole room to grow silent because the food is so good it is just not important to hold a conversation. I want that but on a grander scale. I don't want to be thanked i want to do something because it will make her happy, benefit my kids, or both.
ReplyDeleteHow do i prepare....insert cliche Mormon answer here....but seriously i prepare by looking at marriages that have failed are about to fail or couples who aren't happy and learn what they are doing or did and plan on not doing that. My next step is to make myself physically appealing. Remember the formula it is simple but it works.
Lastly how to not over think. Now this is were i think i disagree with your 3 steps or criteria. Don't educate yourself on marriage. It is pointless to ask why peoples marriages are successful. Every single couple is different. If you don't know what makes a successful marriage then you have to learn how to create one. It forces you to communicate because you don't have any expectations. You love them and that's it. Sometimes that is the only reason you have. It is the same when you find out something new in the gospel that you may not agree with. Sometimes all you have for an answer is the church is true. And that is what you have to rely on until you understand and have matured enough in the gospel to know it is true. Is it frustrating, you bet it is, but it works. Have some faith in yourself and the other half. In the gospel it is the Lord in a relationship/marriage it is your partner. People make everything way too complicated. There is always an answer sometimes you have to wade through crap to get to them, but there is an answer.
Thank you so much for your post! Btw...your food really does make me smile! And I like you point on not educating yourself. I hadn't thought of that! I love it!
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