"In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail or imperfect bodies" - Elder Russell M. Nelson

"When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question 'Why me?' At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night's darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, 'Is there no balm in Gilead?' We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone...We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain. May His promise ever be our watchword: 'I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.'" 

- President Thomas S. Monson

"'O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?' 

'My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph thy foes.'" 

- Doctrine and Covenants 121:1, 7-8

Throughout my life, I have learned how incredibly essential it is that I rely on my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I haven't always been the best at it and I'm definitely not perfect at it now. But when I have, I have literally felt my burdens get lighter. It doesn't mean that they're gone...but they're more manageable. 

I was 18 years old when I completely gave myself to the Lord. It was April 10, 2012. I was in Rupert, Idaho staying with a friend/roommate before the semester started. I was with her two youngest siblings at the kitchen table eating dinner. Cheddar Broccoli Soup. My phone rang and I answered to hear my mom crying. She told me that my cousin, Tavi, had passed away a few minutes ago. Because she was at the hospital with the family, the conversation was short. I sat there in shock. The oldest of the two kids asked what was wrong. Not looking at her, I said, "My cousin is gone..."

Next thing I knew, I was up and running. I ran outside. Looking around for something. I soon found myself back in the house, in the closest bathroom. My legs were weak and I fell to floor crying. I cried and cried and cried. Until I swore I no longer had any tears. I sat for a few moments trying to breath. 

I made my way up the stairs to the room I was staying in and sat on the bed. I just sat there thinking about how something like this could happen. I began to cry again, surprised that I even could. I had never felt like that before. Completely alone. I knew that I had a Father in Heaven...but I was physically alone and around 1,000 miles away from my family. How could I get through this? That was when I uttered my most desperate prayer. I pleaded with Heavenly Father for the comfort of my family. I begged Him to help them through it. I asked Him to help me be strong - because that's what Tavi would have wanted. I prayed until I fell asleep. Then...a miracle happened. 

I woke up the next morning - completely rested. I had slept through the night. 

I got up that morning.

I got dressed - hair and makeup included.

I was able to have conversations with other people. 

I could smile. 

In a way, I felt normal. 

That wasn't me being in denial of the loss the night before. That was Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ giving me the strength that I needed to get through the day. And every day after that. While I didn't know how I was going to get through it, I knew I wouldn't unless I saught after my Father in Heaven. 

School started the next week and I struggled greatly. I was behind in all of my classes. I could barely concentrate. That was when I remembered that I wasn't getting an education for myself. When I first started college the semester before in 2011, I promised Tavi that my education would be for her. 

My life's goal was and still is to help those who either can't or have a difficult time helping themselves. Remembering that helped me get back on track. 

And on April 10, 2015, 3 years (almost down to the minute) after I had lost my cousin, I graduated with my Bachelor's. 

When I think back at that time, I was able to see the Savior's hand in my life early on:

1. In February 2012 (a few months before), I was at work and texting the aforementioned friend/roommate during naptime. She was commenting on the cold Idaho weather while I told her about the warm California weather. It was at this time that I had a very distinct feeling to suggest that she come down to visit. After discussing it with our parents, we decided that she would come down at the beginning of April, stay for a week, and then drive up to Idaho with me where we would stay with her family for a few days until the next semester started. It was perfect!
2. When Tavi was hospitalized, my Aunt and Uncle asked me to help out their youngest. I was able to keep her occupied at the hospital and visit Tavi here and there. I watched her over night and stayed with her and my Aunt while they got ready to go back to the hospital that Sunday morning.
3. General Conference was going on during this time -  Saturday and Sunday. When I got home on Sunday, Elder Rasband was just beginning his talk. My family and I felt the Spirit throughout it. We rewinded it, and set up the video camera so we could sent my Aunt and Uncle the talk. My uncle was at the hospital and had a feeling to turn on his LDS app in order to watch conference. He was only able to hear a few seconds of Elder Nelson's talk - but what he heard was perfect.
4. We received a group text that night from my Uncle explaining the two experiences he had with the talks by Elder Rasband and Elder Nelson. A close family friend knew relatives of both Elder Rasband and Nelson. Both had shared my Aunt and Uncle's experiences with the talks with Elder Rasband and Elder Nelson. Both said they would keep them in their prayers. Two General Authorities were going to be praying for our family.
1. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/thanks-be-to-god?lang=eng
1. Elder Nelson - Thanks be to God
2. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/special-lessons?lang=eng
1. Elder Rasband - Special Lessons
5. It was the night (Sunday, April 8th) before my friend and I were leaving for Utah. I went with my mom to the hospital to see Tavi. I was able to read a book to her and sit with her for a while. I knew I needed to say goodbye, but I couldn't. She had beaten all the doctor's expectations throughout her life...what was three more months? So I said I would see her later. While my mom and I were walking towards the exit, she reminded that I had wanted to take a picture with Tavi. I sprinted through the hospital (just like in the Rom-Coms) and into Tavi's room. Out of breath, I asked my uncle to take a picture of Tavi and I. I didn't know that would be one of the last pictures of her. 

Two days after the picture was taken, I received that phone call from my mom. I know that had I not acted on that prompting to asking my friend to come visit, I wouldn't have gone to school that semester. Had my uncle not heard that part of Elder Nelson's talk and had my dad not had the feeling to record Elder Rasband...had my uncle not texted his friend those experiences...we wouldn't have heard back that they were praying for our family. Had my mom not suddenly remembered that I wanted a picture with Tavi...I wouldn't have this picture that is the most precious to me. 

These weren't sudden coincidences. Heavenly Father knows all and sees all. He prepares us for trials. And this was my preparation. He blessed and strengthened me through that experience. 

Tavi was and continues to be my rock. I often feel her in my life. On my wedding day, August 23, 2014, I was told the most touching story. While my amazing florist was snapping a picture of my bouquet before sending it off and a white butterfly flew by. And anyone that knew Tavi, understands how much she loved butterflies. Say what you will, but I don't think it was a coincidence. 

We are going to have experiences that break us down the core. We are going to have times when we don't understand why something is happening to us. Why now?

Despite all of that, we have been told that it will be worth it in the end. That experience is still the most difficult and painful thing I have ever been through. But now I have a Guardian Angel who is always watching over me. She may not be here physically, but she's always here. In every butterfly, princess crown, Fancy Nancy or Pinkalicious story...I can feel her with me.

Avec Amour, 

Elisse 

15 1/2 Months of Being Married

Marriage is one of those things that you think you're preparing/prepared for...and then you get married and realize you're not prepared at all! Why is this? I believe it's because we romanticize it. The hardest thing about marriage isn't learning to live with another person. The hardest part is learning to live with yourself.

Sounds super dark, but let me explain.

We all have these little tendencies about ourselves that we know we need to work on...but we somehow never get around to it. Suddenly you're married and you realize..."Why did I not work on this earlier!"

For example...I thought I was pretty chill. And then, last night, Danny was telling me about a video on energy (spiritual energy) he had to watch for one of his business (?) classes. There are four energies (types 1-4) that relate to the four elements - air, earth, water, and fire. He said he thought I was air...but then he realized I was fire. Very reactive. NO I'M NOT!

See what I did there? He's totally right (and I'm not buying into these energy things). I am very reactive. Probably something I should've worked on sooner (or least not have been in denial about).

I could go on and on about the things that I should work on. But I believe this is why marriage can be challenging. We've been a certain way for so long it's hard when we have to change. This doesn't mean we need to change everything about ourselves. But the things that are holding us back.

I have found that marriage is directly related to the Second Coming. In the scriptures we're told to not procrastinate because we don't know when Christ will come again. Marriage is just like that. Don't procrastinate making yourself the best you until you're married. You start to feel like you need to fix everything at once...and it can get super overwhelming. Believe me.

Sometimes what we need to change is something that is kind of out of our control - until we get the help we need.

A few months after Danny and I got engaged back in April 2014, I experienced sudden weight gain. And being 105 or the last so many years, this came as a complete surprise. I figured it had something to do with the fact I was working at 3am 5-6 days a week. As time went on, especially this past year...it had gotten out of hand. No matter what I did, I gained weight. Ate really healthy? Gained weight. Exercised? Gained weight. Graduated so I was no longer waking up at 3 am? Gained weight. Drinking lots of fluids and getting 7 hours of sleep a night? Gained weight.

And if that wasn't enough...I turned into a monster. I kid you not. A literal monster. I was angry about 85% of the time. And I mean livid. Crying every single day about pretty much everything. The smallest things would make me go into a rage. I would go into deep depressions that took everything I had to just get up and go to work (seeing the fact that I work at a mental health/drug and alcohol counseling agency where people have legit diagnoses...I had no excuse). I was always exhausted. I would sleep for 7-9 hours a night and I could barely function the next day. I had to keep buying clothes because I was growing out of mine faster than a newborn baby!

You want to know what the worst part was? Knowing, in the moment, how unrealistic and crazy I was being and not being able to control it. And knowing that no matter what I did...I was going to gain about 10 pounds that month.

But worst then that...poor Danny had to deal with it. He's done so graciously and has done his best to try to understand.

I thought I was Bipolar. I had to be, right? That was the only thing that could explain the uncontrollable mood swings from mania to depression and back again.

There was always one other thing in the back of my mind...my thyroid. At a checkup a few months back, my doctor told me my thyroid had enlarged. They ran a blood test and it came back normal.

Eventually...I couldn't take it anymore. I think it changed when I was angrier than I had ever been (like, ever) and was taking it out on Danny. It got to the point where I just sat down and cried and cried and cried. He held me and told me it was time to go to the doctor.

I did some research to find a thyroid specialist. I went last Friday and the doctor said my entire thyroid was enlarged. Five blood tests were done to test different things. I went in yesterday to get my results.

I have a disease called Hashimoto (awesome name, right?!). It's an autoimmune disease in which my immune system attacks my thyroid. There's something that they test for called ATA (Anti-Thyroid Antibodies). A normal level is 35 (0-35). Mine came back with 1,224. That's 1,189 more than I should have. My doctor just looked at me with unbelief - even he couldn't understand how that was possible. Me? I just wanted to jump for joy! Finally! I had a diagnosis! A reason for what was going on with me!

What's the cure? Well there isn't one.

But all I need to do is take one pill a day to help my thyroid not have to work so dang hard. It will help with my digestion, immune system, metabolism, heart, with my muscle.joint pain, being so cold all the time, depression, irritability...

Even though this has been going on for 2 years max...it feels like it's been my entire life.

Even though Danny and I have been married for almost 16 months...I haven't been myself that entire time. I feel horrible that he was dating one person, engaged to another, and then has been married to a whole new person.

I look forward to getting on this medication so my body can start regulating normally so he can know what it's like to be married to the person he was dating. I miss that person and I can't wait to be her again.

Avec Amour,

Elisse