Sounds super dark, but let me explain.
We all have these little tendencies about ourselves that we know we need to work on...but we somehow never get around to it. Suddenly you're married and you realize..."Why did I not work on this earlier!"
For example...I thought I was pretty chill. And then, last night, Danny was telling me about a video on energy (spiritual energy) he had to watch for one of his business (?) classes. There are four energies (types 1-4) that relate to the four elements - air, earth, water, and fire. He said he thought I was air...but then he realized I was fire. Very reactive. NO I'M NOT!
See what I did there? He's totally right (and I'm not buying into these energy things). I am very reactive. Probably something I should've worked on sooner (or least not have been in denial about).
I could go on and on about the things that I should work on. But I believe this is why marriage can be challenging. We've been a certain way for so long it's hard when we have to change. This doesn't mean we need to change everything about ourselves. But the things that are holding us back.
I have found that marriage is directly related to the Second Coming. In the scriptures we're told to not procrastinate because we don't know when Christ will come again. Marriage is just like that. Don't procrastinate making yourself the best you until you're married. You start to feel like you need to fix everything at once...and it can get super overwhelming. Believe me.
Sometimes what we need to change is something that is kind of out of our control - until we get the help we need.
A few months after Danny and I got engaged back in April 2014, I experienced sudden weight gain. And being 105 or the last so many years, this came as a complete surprise. I figured it had something to do with the fact I was working at 3am 5-6 days a week. As time went on, especially this past year...it had gotten out of hand. No matter what I did, I gained weight. Ate really healthy? Gained weight. Exercised? Gained weight. Graduated so I was no longer waking up at 3 am? Gained weight. Drinking lots of fluids and getting 7 hours of sleep a night? Gained weight.
And if that wasn't enough...I turned into a monster. I kid you not. A literal monster. I was angry about 85% of the time. And I mean livid. Crying every single day about pretty much everything. The smallest things would make me go into a rage. I would go into deep depressions that took everything I had to just get up and go to work (seeing the fact that I work at a mental health/drug and alcohol counseling agency where people have legit diagnoses...I had no excuse). I was always exhausted. I would sleep for 7-9 hours a night and I could barely function the next day. I had to keep buying clothes because I was growing out of mine faster than a newborn baby!
You want to know what the worst part was? Knowing, in the moment, how unrealistic and crazy I was being and not being able to control it. And knowing that no matter what I did...I was going to gain about 10 pounds that month.
But worst then that...poor Danny had to deal with it. He's done so graciously and has done his best to try to understand.
I thought I was Bipolar. I had to be, right? That was the only thing that could explain the uncontrollable mood swings from mania to depression and back again.
There was always one other thing in the back of my mind...my thyroid. At a checkup a few months back, my doctor told me my thyroid had enlarged. They ran a blood test and it came back normal.
Eventually...I couldn't take it anymore. I think it changed when I was angrier than I had ever been (like, ever) and was taking it out on Danny. It got to the point where I just sat down and cried and cried and cried. He held me and told me it was time to go to the doctor.
I did some research to find a thyroid specialist. I went last Friday and the doctor said my entire thyroid was enlarged. Five blood tests were done to test different things. I went in yesterday to get my results.
I have a disease called Hashimoto (awesome name, right?!). It's an autoimmune disease in which my immune system attacks my thyroid. There's something that they test for called ATA (Anti-Thyroid Antibodies). A normal level is 35 (0-35). Mine came back with 1,224. That's 1,189 more than I should have. My doctor just looked at me with unbelief - even he couldn't understand how that was possible. Me? I just wanted to jump for joy! Finally! I had a diagnosis! A reason for what was going on with me!
What's the cure? Well there isn't one.
But all I need to do is take one pill a day to help my thyroid not have to work so dang hard. It will help with my digestion, immune system, metabolism, heart, with my muscle.joint pain, being so cold all the time, depression, irritability...
Even though this has been going on for 2 years max...it feels like it's been my entire life.
Even though Danny and I have been married for almost 16 months...I haven't been myself that entire time. I feel horrible that he was dating one person, engaged to another, and then has been married to a whole new person.
I look forward to getting on this medication so my body can start regulating normally so he can know what it's like to be married to the person he was dating. I miss that person and I can't wait to be her again.
Avec Amour,
Elisse
No comments:
Post a Comment